My journey through witchraft in search of healing

I have been a witch at heart for as long as I can remember. Although I didn’t know how to identify it being that I grew up in the Catholic faith. I admit I was pretty lucky as I was never forced to continue going to church or bible studies when I was old enough to decide, which for me was about age 12. I’m not saying that I renounced my religion. On the contrary, I embraced the spirituality of it even more once I began upholding the faith I had learned because it was now in my heart, in my soul, in my hands.

I had several tragic life-changing moments when growing up. I was sexually abused and molested by two predators, both whom I knew. And later in life, I also suffered a great illness, when I was diagnosed with End-Stage Renal disease at the age of 18. These things scarred my soul and when added to heartache from a failed marriage and the inability to bear children, it was more than I could take. Depression followed along with self loathing and lets just say I was in a very dark and lonely place.

I had always been curious about Wicca ever since I was 16 years old, when I wrote a research paper on the subject for English class in high school. I didn’t know that this would be tattooed deep within me and would serve as the light within that grew over the next two decades. Later in life, when my life had seem to have fallen apart, is when I began my practice as a witch. I had not turned my back on Christianity but in turn, I had blended both in a gradual concoction that worked for me. I read some books I had acquired over time about Wicca, and I began to incorporate it more and more into my life.

It was the refocusing of doing something purely selfish, something that was solely for me and me alone, that began the healing process for my pain-ridden soul. I did not know that this is what I was doing but it is a decision I am truly grateful to myself for having taken those steps. I acquired some magickal tools (which I now find aren’t necessary, just fun & sparkly to use) and I embarked upon a magickal journey that has brighten my life in every possible way.

I have healed myself. I have healed my soul. I am a new woman. I am not Wiccan. I am not Christian. I am a beautiful soul who is learning how to continue to heal and grow beautiful each and every day. I am walking the path my heart and my mind are guiding me to follow. I trust myself and I have undying faith with the purest of hearts. I am healthy now and taking care of that aspect of my life with the utmost dedication. I will not neglect any part of me, for I now love all of me. I am happy. I am a woman. I am a witch.

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Return to the Ocean: A journey with Amphitrite

“We are tied to the ocean, and when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch – we are going back from whence we came.” ~ John F. Kennedy
My relationship with the ocean began in my first month of life, and for more than three decades since, that relationship that began as a friendship, blossomed into a passionate love affair. Several years ago, during a very difficult time in my life, I withdrew. I pulled away from everyone and everything, the ocean included. As an only child, I learned that during difficult situations, I needed to cope with everything on my own. What I didn’t expect was what happened this time around. Not visiting the ocean created a void in my soul. There was an emptiness that could not be filled and I had no idea why I was feeling this way. It wasn’t until July of 2011, when I had my very first Tarot reading, that the messages of the ocean came out and brushed the surface of my heart, allowing me to see clearly what I had been missing. This Tarot reading was a true wake up call in so many ways, but more specifically, it questioned why I had not visited the ocean. A direct question came from the cards and the Tarot Maven spoke, “I don’t know why I must ask you this, but why haven’t you been to the ocean?” I was stunned.
MEETING AMPHITRITE
Amphitrite (Αμφιτρίτη in Ancient Greek) is the immortal wife of Poseidon and Queen of the Sea, she is ancient Greek goddess of salt water. She is sometimes listed among the Oceanids,  but more often said to be one of the fifty Nereids, daughters of the Sea god, Nereus and the Oceanid, Doris. By Poseidon, she is the mother of Triton; her offspring also includes seals and dolphins. Her Roman counterpart is Salacia.
Back to my story . . .
I was advised to call upon Yemaya, the Yoruban Orisha or Goddess of the living Ocean, considered the Mother of All, but I knew this wasn’t the goddess I needed to seek to help me with reconnecting with the ocean. I did my share of research, looking high and low, within and without. It was Amphitrite. She would be the one to help me with this painful task. It was difficult for me because of the deep-rooted love I had for the ocean, and how I had turned my back on her. I had no good reason to do so, and I feared her wrath upon my return.
The day arrived when I was ready. I prepared myself physically and spiritually and began the long road to one of my favorite beaches. As I pulled into the state park, an overwhelming feeling came over me. It wasn’t overpowering nor drowning, but a peaceful and warm sensation.
Amphitrite was here!
She was allowing me to feel comfort upon my arrival to the beach. I gathered my belongings, and made my way down the soft white sand in the early morning sun. I sat for a while, and I read my book. I enjoyed the ocean breeze and the smell of beach filled me up. Then the moment arrived. I knew I must enter the water.
The moments that followed were magickal but I dare not speak of them out loud. They are for me and me alone, or rather they are between Amphitrite, the Ocean and myself. Let’s just say that the ocean accepted my return, for she missed me as I had missed her. Amphitrite welcomed me to her home with open arms, and her gift to me was one that touched my soul. Standing in waist deep water, next to the rocks by the lighthouse, a school of minnows surrounded me in a perfect circle. This was Amphitrite’s clear message. Her way of welcoming me back. Her embrace.

Dancing with Ereshkigal

The oldest recorded example of the archetype of the death goddess is Ereshkigal of Sumeria. Ereshkigal was once an upper world goddess, but she was repeatedly raped by Enlil, a God. The Gods punished Enlil by sending him to the underworld, but out of love she followed him. Ereshkigal is the darkness of Inanna. When her fundamental nature is not respected, Ereshkigal is the result. Ereshkigal’s name means “lady of the great place below”. She was a grain Goddesss before she came to be queen of the netherworld. She is the seed below and dying to sprout again. To a matriarchal point of view she is the continuum in which different states are simply experienced as transformations of one energy. To a patriarchal view she is a rape of life, a violence to be feared and controlled as much as possible with distancing oneself from it and a strict moral order. She is pictured as having life freezing eyes. She is very primal, full of fury, greed, fear of loss and even self-spite. She is raw instinctually split off from consciousness, the need and aggression that exist in our own personal underworld that is often denied out of social mores.

Ereshkigal is active destruction but she is also the slow cell by cell processes of decay and gestation, that are invasive and depending on the case against a person’s will. She is pitiless and destructive of the individual. She is the hopeless, empty, shattering, numb, barren void and chaos. Her energy can be seen in black holes, infinite gravity and magnetism that even light cannot escape from. Her energy is the energy of X-rays, which see through all to the very core and are also emitted by black holes. Her energy is the disintegration of elements, radioactive decay, cancer, fermentation. She rules the functions of the base chakra, the earth chakra, peristalsis, menstruation, pregnancy. She without remorse grinds down life to its constituent parts, yet heaves forth new life. The abyss of Ereshkigal is both the source and the end, the ground of all being. She is the natural order of things, attended by her vizier “Fate”.

The Dancing Begins

Several dark moons ago, I traveled to the realms of shadows and pain. The darkness where her forbidden and naked rawness lays. I met Ereshkigal, the Great Judge, Goddess of Death, Queen of the Underworld. I saw her push the boundaries of those around me. I witnessed them shed their very souls. Tears. Blood. Black holes. Emptiness. Her words were whispers and yet they pierced into the very core of me. She was devouring someone else, yet her piercing eyes were upon me. She smiled enigmatically. Feeling more than a little bit overwhelmed, I prepared myself for what was surely to come . . . my turn to dance.

A circle thrice and the heat of her breath was upon me. She was gentle with me. I was a bubbling vulcano preparing to erupt, yet the words would not come. Tears. There were only tears. She caressed me with an embrace of fire that burned through my core. Her words were soft yet they echoed in my loins. I swayed in the night’s air in a ballroom of blackness to the sounds of her song. My spoken words had finally come and relieved me of the pain I carried in the pit of my being.

Ereshkigal will never go away. Her lessons are harsh, but she is to be honored, not banned.

The pain that poured out of me that dark moon night, released a terrible weight. I’ll return to different versions of them forever. But I’m at a different place with them, one that allows me more comfort. And just as there are sacrifices, there are rewards.

The gates are now open. More will come.